"Pandora D. Waldron" ====================<<==================@ Subject: A Scandal In Crystal Tokyo Date sent: Mon, 30 Jun 1997 00:53:06 THE CRYSTAL TOKYO ENQUIRER October 4, 3197 "All the news that's unfit for human ears". "All the latest gossip on the scandalous Royal Family" Today's Weather: Frequent thunderstorms with occasional Youmas High Today: + 140 C Low Today: - 200 C A Scandal In Crystal Tokyo! ==================== by our Investigative Reporter, Ms. Esmerodo Moon It has recently come to the attention of this reporter that our beloved little Princess, the Small Lady, may NOT be the legitimate heiress to the Serenity Throne after all. It is with deep regret that we pass on this shocking news to you, our faithful readers, knowing how beloved and simply "kawaii" her Precious Pink-Haired Highness is to all of the citizens of Crystal Tokyo. As you all know, the Serenity Throne passes through the female line ONLY. Therefore, any doubt as to the maternal parentage of the prospective heiress must, under Moon Kingdom law, make that heiress ineligible to become the next Queen. And given that during their 1000 years (and counting) marriage, Neo Queen Serenity and King Endymion have produced no other offspring, this certainly presents a dilemma to our Royal Family. One that may cast into grave doubt, the relevancy of the monarchy in modern Crystal Tokyo society. But facts are facts, painful as they may be, and we DEEPLY REGRET MOST SINCERELY any pain or embarrassment this revelation may cause to our most beloved Sovereign, Neo-Queen Serenity, and to her Consort, King Endymion. More especially in this year, Annus Horribilus, where one scandal after another has shaken the people's faith in our once beloved and most respected monarchy. There are some who will say that given the corruption in this once purified Crystal Tokyo, the citizens should rise up and cast down the imperialistic and despotic Serenity ruling family, and make a strike for freedom under a Black Moon People's Republic of Crystal Tokyo. But NEVER here at the Enquirer would we DREAM of suggesting such a thing. We have nothing but the most sincere reverence for her Most Serene Majesty and the fortitude she has shown through this crisis. And now, exclusively for Enquirer readers, we present some excerpts from Neo Queen Serenity's Diary. This is the first of several such excerpts which will be carried, right here in my column. So keep watching this space! =============================================== August 3, 3097 Chapter 4004: The 700-Year Itch Dear Diary, Why, that two-timing, tuxedo-wearing twerp! Why, that time-stealing tramp! I knew I couldn't trust anybody who couldn't even stay in her own orbit like other planets! I should have known, that night he came home with pink transformation lipstick on the tuxedo collar! I knew it couldn't be Uranus or Neptune--he was safe from THEIR attentions. No, it was me who had to beat off Uranus with a crystal wand! Damn, why did SHE have to be there when my Tuxedo Kamen got the 700 year itch? The last time he was *in the mood* was after I deprogrammed him from Queen Beryl's influence. But like an idiot, I didn't kiss him when it might have done some good, just cause my friends didn't get to kiss THEIR boyfriends. And now it's too late...he won't be interested for ANOTHER 700 years! Well, I'm not little Usagi anymore, and I don't have to take this B.S. I'm neo-Queen Serenity now, and I KICK ASS. So as Queen of Crystal Tokyo, *I* don't have to share MY kingdom or even my time line with that palace-wrecker. So I've banished Setsuna to the time portal. I've told everyone that it's her job to be the guardian of Time, but she and I know what's REALLY going down. Setsuna, you better hide yourself in that time portal--if you come out, you're in DEEP, DEEP trouble. No, let me re-phrase that. If you, Sailor Pluto, ever show your face in Crystal Tokyo again, in the name of the moon, I'll punish you!! God and Buddha may forgive you, but I won't!! And as for that pink-haired brat of theirs, I can hardly bear to look at her. So every time she shows up, I send her back to the 20th century, and I tell her it's for *Sailor Senshi* training. How much trouble can the little spore cause back then, anyway? *** [The diary entries end at that point, but immediately afterwards, in a scrawlly, childish handwriting, appear the words: "Ha ha ha ha ha!! I stole your diary!!" Crystal Tokyo historical records show that immediately after Neo-Queen Serenity discovered *certain personal records* to be missing, she fell into a dead faint, and had to be placed in a crystal to recover.] In a somewhat more schoolgirlish writing, and in 20th-century Japanese, the diary continues: I don't know what the heck this says, but I took this book away from the little spore, Chibi Usa. She says it's her Mom's diary, and that she ran away from home with it. Sounds just like the miserable sneaky little wretch. She's also told me her Mom fainted after she found her diary gone. Something about it mustn't get into the wrong hands. I've told her to go back home NOW and tell her Mom the diary's safe here with me. I can't read it anyway. No way I'll ever give it back to the little spore. Damn, I'm sure it's full of juicy stuff about the future. And now I'll NEVER know. *** [Crystal Tokyo historical records show that after the Small Lady whispered something in Neo-Queen Serenity's ear, she sat up for the first time after being in a dead faint for months, while encased in a healing crystal. Her first words on awakening were, "Well, go back there and GET THAT BOOK! And don't come home until you bring it back!" She then wrote a letter and gave it to the Small Lady. It is believed the letter referred to more Sailor Senshi training for the Small Lady.] And now, dear readers, you know the REAL story!! ============================================================ THE CRYSTAL TOKYO MOON October 5, 3197 "Responsible news for responsible people" "Read the paper your Boss reads!" ****VOTED MOST POPULAR PAPER, 3196!**** "For Upwardly Mobile Citizens of Crystal Tokyo" Weather: Sunny, warm, and purring High Today: 20 C Low Today: 20 C "A good day for stretching out in the grass and taking time to smell the catnip." Crystal Tokyo Enquirer Building Destroyed: Sabotage Suspected, Say Police ================================= by our Star Reporter, Tsukino Luna-Chan Early this morning, downtown Crystal Tokyo was wracked by a series of seemingly natural disasters which appear to have resulted in the complete destruction of the Queen Beryl Memorial Tower (QBM Tower), headquarters building of our rival paper, The Crystal Tokyo Enquirer. The Enquirer, a fully-owned subsidiary of Black Moon Corporation, International, has often been the target of some controversy in the past. They have been sued successfully for libelling various Crystal Tokyo celebrities over the years, but have always somehow managed to survive, due in part to the deep pockets of Enquirer founder and publisher, Prince Diamando. His fabulous collection of diamonds, and other precious gems is legendary. But also in part, due to the insatiable demands of Enquirer readers for more and more celebrity scandal and gossip, especially centring around the Royal Family in recent years. The dashing Diamando, as he is simply called, is also well known as the most eligible bachelor of royal blood in town, appearing at many fashionable society charity events at which a great deal of ENERGY is always expended to make the occasion just perfect. Those who have been fortunate enough to attend Diamando-sponsored events report that it's quite a workout. "You come out feeling you've done your little bit for the needy people of Crystal Tokyo, But, wow! It REALLY drains your energy!" said one wealthy patron, who has donated heavily to various Diamando causes. At about 1:04 AM this morning, lightning struck the QBM Tower, shorting out its electronic protective field, which prevents damage from fire, flood, ice, or other natural disasters common in Crystal Tokyo. Shortly thereafter, a ring of fire balls seemed to materialize around the QBM Tower. The fire balls converged on the building, and consumed it in flames. A large glowing chain then surrounded the Tower's remaining girders, pulling them down with more efficiency than a wrecking company. Then, within minutes, the temperature dropped rapidly, and the remaining rubble of the building was encased in sheets of ice, which then cracked, splitting the rubble of the building into atoms. Crystal Tokyo police, asked to comment on the cause of the disasters, would only say that witnesses heard the following phrases shouted, immediately before the building was destroyed: Sparkling Vital Pressure! Burning Mandala! Venus Love-Me Chain! Shiny Aqua Illusion! Crystal Tokyo Security Chief Haruka Tenoh, when asked for her comments, smiled grimly and said that given the many enemies the Enquirer had made for themselves over the years, pinpointing the perpetrators was going to be a difficult job. One that might take a long, long time. Years, in fact. "But you can't rush these things," explained Haruka. "My people are VERY professional and we want to VERY SURE before we go and accuse some innocent person." When asked if these disasters might have some possible connection to the recent release by the Enquirer of a series of excerpts, purported to be from Neo-Queen Serenity's Diary, Haruka would only say,"There has not been one shred of evidence shown so far by the Enquirer, that these purported excerpts were material ever written by her Most Serene Majesty, or that indeed, that her Majesty has ever owned such a Diary. Such unsubstantiated garbage as this is hardly worth someone's time to commit sabotage on the Queen Beryl Memorial Tower. Now don't let your imagination run away with you, Ms. Luna." Crystal Palace Public Relations Spokeswoman, Michiru Kaioh , when interviewed outside the Palace by this reporter, downplayed the significance of the Diary excerpts. "People are always trying to discredit the Royal Family, because Neo-Queen Serenity's unselfish love is such a role model for our citizens, that she has made some powerful enemies. But the tradition of monarchy will endure in our time, despite the scandal mongerers." Does Neo-Queen Serenity have any words of wisdom for our people? I asked. "No," said Michiru with a smile. "Her Majesty, as usual, has no comment whatsoever on the contents of Enquirer publications. And you should know that, Luna." And what about that article last year in the Enquirer last year, about a possible conflict of interest, due to your purported "close relationship" with Crystal Tokyo Security Chief Haruka? "This interview is now OVER," snapped Michiru. +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ The above selected headline news articles from two Crystal Tokyo newspapers has been teleported to you by: Pandora Waldron pwaldron@idirect.com Toronto, Ontario CANADA "Tuxedo Kamen--My Only Two Dimensional Lust" ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ******************* Here is a Sailor Moon humour item from my personal collection, this one in the style of those David Letterman Top 10 lists. In it, you will see how much alike Usagi and I are [BLUSH!]. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE TOP 10 REASONS WHY ========================= USAGI/SERENA IS A GOOD ROLE MODEL FOR YOUNG GIRLS ===================================================== 10. Why did she become a superhero? Well, it wasn't ANYTHING Luna told her that persuaded her! Despite what she likes to say to impress youmas, it wasn't anything to do with a sense of responsibility to fight for love and justice or any of that B.S. No, it was for one reason only--to meet that sexy guy again [Tuxedo Mask]. Showing that Sailor Moon has a clear sense of the priorities in life. 9. She's always losing or forgetting about important stuff. [Now where IS that bill? And my shopping list?] 8. She cares so DEEPLY about her friends. And shopping. And clothes. And junk food. And all the other things that make life worthwhile. 7. There are days when she wishes her obnoxious little brother and her obnoxious kid had never been born. Unlike most of us, however, she has the singular misfortune of having to deal with her obnoxious kid ALREADY [the Pink-Haired Princess], BEFORE her obnoxious little brother has grown up into a human being. Poor poor Usagi. No WONDER she gets moody. 6. She is universally admired by her friends, who clearly recognize her leadership qualities [SHADDAP, Rei!!]. 5. She has a REALLY BAD hairstyle [those ODANGOS!!] and she's probably *stuck* with it, cause she can't get her hair to do anything else. Like a LOT of women I know. Bad hair day, my A--. Most women I know are having a Bad Hair Life!! 4. Those costumes are WAY COOL. And all those colourful Sailor Moon posters really cover up those dirty spots and dents on the wall, which I have no intention of re-painting. 3. She's driving herself CRAZY over a guy [Tuxedo Mask] who is always disappearing, just as the conversation gets interesting. Which reminds me, where IS that guy of mine? He was just sitting there a minute ago. Hey! I was talking to you! Come back here, you! 2. An intelligent cat [Luna] has befriended her. What more proof do you need that she is WORTHY? Cats, as we all know, are VERY FUSSY about who they make friends with. Not like dogs, who will lick *anyone* who feeds them. 1. So what's wrong with being a klutzy crybaby, anyway? [OWWW!! CRASHES into table, bruising shin and knocking over lamp. My guy is shaking his head in resignation.] You people are SO MEAN!! [SOB!!] This list was teleported to you by... Pandora-sama ****************** So Tuxie, What's Your Excuse THIS Time? ===<<==========================@ This is a dialogue between Tuxedo Mask and Sailor Moon which *did not* take place, but *could have* during the *Sailor Stars* series. If you are unfamiliar with the Sailor Stars plotline, SPOILER WARNING !! I like *my* version better. Do you think I should dub the Japanese episodes? >:-) TM= Tuxedo Mask/Tuxedo Kamen/Mamoru/Mamochan/Darien [a ROSE by any other name would smell as sweet, anyway ;-) ] SM= Sailor Moon/Usagi/Usako/Serena EPISODE 200 ============ [Tuxedo Mask materializes. Sailor Moon, in white angel wings, and *nothing else*, looks decidedly *ticked-off.*] SM: Tuxedo Mask!! It's you AT LAST!! Do you realize how long it's been? How many episodes since you've appeared in my life? So what's your excuse THIS TIME? In case you've forgotten, we're *supposed* to be ENGAGED. You don't call, you don't write, anybody would have thought you had DIED!! TM: That's right--I DID die! I've only JUST been reincarnated, thanks to you and Chibi-Chibi! SM: You've died and come back? Now this is a new one. Now COME ON, Mamo-chan--you expect me to believe that one? I KNOW you've really been away because of some other woman!! TM: Yes, it WAS another woman, but it's not the way you think, Usako. Her name was Queen Galaxia, and... SM: I don't care if she was Queen of the Bimbos! And I don't know why I put up with your behaviour! TM: But you don't understand, Usako. She took my Star Seed!! SM: She took your Star WHAT???? This is TOO MUCH. Me, you won't give one little kiss, unless you think I'm about to die or something. It's getting so I have to *fake* being in a coma, just so I can get your attention. But her, Queen Bimbo, to HER you give your Star Seed?? TM: Hey, I didn't wanna do it! She attacked me!! SM: Yeah, right. Every time I catch you in the act, with some other woman, you always whine "she attacked me." Even with my own daughter, for God's sake. You have NO shame. You think I'm so dumb, just cause I get bad marks in school, that I don't know a girl can't force a guy like that? She attacked YOU? As if!! TM: I swear to you, Usako, it's the truth. Can't you forgive me? I didn't enjoy it, you know. I NEVER enjoy it. You don't think I LIKE being written out of all these episodes, do you? SM: Well, such a sharp dressed man, no, I guess you can't help it. Women, men, none of them can keep their hands off you. But where do *I* come in? You never say anything really nice to me. You just say your little haiku, then you take off. You didn't even notice or comment on the fact that I'm standing here *naked*, nothing on but my little white wings. Sometimes, I don't think you even know I'm alive. I am the most frustrated, neglected woman in this solar system. TM: I'm really sorry, Usako. Can't I make it up to you? SM: Well, I'll try to forgive you. But I warn you, it's going to take a LOT of ROSES THIS TIME.... [The two embrace...Fade Out.] ***************** Tuxedo Mask The Token Male ===========<<============@ Now you too, can be the one men envy and women sigh over. The one, the only, the Token Male of Sailor Moon, Tuxedo Mask. For here, we will teach you, in ten easy steps, the secrets to becoming just like Tuxedo Mask and being adored by all females [and be warned, the occasional male] in your vicinity. FRINGE BENEFITS: you will be constantly surrounded by sexy young women with impossibly long or impossibly coloured hair, very short skirts and long, long legs. And heh, heh, heh, you will have no other male competition--even the villains are mostly female, and they will be wearing even less than the Sailor Senshi, you lucky, lucky guy. Don't worry, you will always look taller than them, whatever your height. What did you THINK that top hat was for, you dummy? STEP 1 ==<<===@ THE ENTRANCE. First, hurl a steel-tipped rose from a great height--and never miss. The Senshi are allowed to miss the target. Remember, you aren't. Most important, a spectacular entrance is *essential* to your mystique. Try appearing from a billboard full of *other* tuxedo-clad guys, come disguised as Santa Claus, or at least, from high above, cape waving in the breeze, from a lamppost. The above part is very important. Women must look UP to you. STEP 2 ==<<===@ THE HAIKU. You must always say a haiku which appears to be directed at the youma of the week, but is really intended to impress Sailor Moon and her friends. Fortunately for you, she's easily impressed. Sprinkle your poetic words of wisdom with some reference to never dashing the dreams of sweet innocent young girls. Yes, let 'em keep their dreams, for you too are a dream figure, and you must strive to never become quite real. Finish by saying, in your sternest tone of voice, that because this youma has done something to disturb the fantasies of young girls, you, Tuxedo Kamen, will not tolerate this, and will PUNISH this monster. NOTE: you feel very strongly about this- -you LIKE young girls to fantasize, preferably about YOU. [The fact that you're about to be struck down, and Sailor Moon will do most of the punishing, is not important to your credibility here. Remember, the pep talk is far more important than what you actually do. A secret all true leaders know.] STEP 3 ==<<===@ TAKE THE HIT, AND FALL. To be Tuxedo Kamen means standing in the line of fire and getting hit dead on, usually to prevent Sailor Moon taking the hit. It's your job-- the silly girl never gets out of the way in time--she likes to stay there mesmerized, like a deer transfixed in the headlights of an oncoming car. So take the hit. Now groan, really painfully [because secretly, it turns you on when Sailor Moon cries over you]. Now topple over, and lie prone. Try to look as pathetic as possible. You can lose the top hat now. The girls wanna look at your nice thick dark hair. And lose the mask, so they can see those beautiful blue eyes. And now you can stay lying there for the rest of the episode, if you like. All the hard work is done. [She prefers imagining you horizontal, anyway.] STEP 4 ===<<==@ WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT. You don't wanna have to do TOO much work, do you? So now, you will cleverly say a few words of encouragement to Sailor Moon and the other senshi. Mutter things like their strength is in their friendship, and that we must all fight as one. They will be so dazzled by these speeches of yours, they won't even notice that you disappeared...AGAIN, and didn't stick around to "fight as one." STEP 5 ===<<==@ CONTROL, ALWAYS CONTROL. Being Tuxedo Mask means NEVER giving in to your normal adolescent male impulses. Look all you want, but don't touch. Even if her little red ribbons unravel, and Sailor Moon is exposed to your [Drool] view. At least, not unless she's dying. Then you are allowed the occasional clinch. The point of all this is, to drive Sailor Moon absolutely CRAZY with frustration. So when you finally DO give in to your impulses, heh, heh, heh, she won't be able to resist you. STEP 6 ===<<==@ DISAPPEAR MYSTERIOUSLY. ALWAYS LEAVE 'EM WANTING MORE. Having said your words of encouragement, you must now disappear, as quickly as possible, cape flying into the night. Where do you go, and why? Keep 'em guessing. They don't need to know it's nowhere very interesting. The point is, don't ever stay around long enough that they take your exciting presence for granted. STEP 7 ===<<==@ DIGNITY, ALWAYS DIGNITY. Never lose your temper, never give in to your emotions. Is she about to strike that pink-haired brat in helpless rage? Grab her hand to restrain her, and shake your head at her. She will respect the fact that YOU kept your composure, and did not say anything to hurt either of them. What an inspiring example you are to Sailor Moon, who believes the best thing to do with an impulse is to give in to it! STEP 8 ===<<==@ THE STRONG, SILENT TYPE. Having said your haiku, and your words of encouragement, you are no longer called upon to say very much. You should gaze soulfully, look concerned, but do NOT ever let her know what you're thinking. Men are a mystery and should stay that way. Let those expressive blue eyes speak for you--let HER fill in the blanks with her fantasies. By the way, I hope you are up to standing still looking concerned for LONG periods of time. In one episode, the Love Of Your Life and her friends are captured by a UFO, and you are going to be required to stand there looking up, concerned, for the entire rest of the episode, and you will STILL be standing there for the entire next episode. So I hope your feet don't go to sleep while you're standing there, and standing there, and wondering if Sailor Moon and her friends are still alive. Because when they escape, they aren't even going to bother to let you know. You are only the Token Male, after all. Your job is just to stand there silently, and look handsome and worried. STEP 9 ====<<=@ BE VERY UNAVAILABLE FOR LONG PERIODS OF TIME. Now here's where you get back at them for ignoring you when the action's going on. You have to be totally unavailable, preferably captured by the enemy, for many many episodes. The mental torture this will inflict on weepy Sailor Moon [and oh, she's SO SEXY when she cries, isn't she? Now admit it, this is why you do this!] will make her all the more grateful to see you when you finally come back. You wouldn't want her to get TOO used to having you around, and taking you for granted, would you? STEP 10 ===<<===@ BE PATIENT AND KIND TO EVERYONE, EVEN SMALL OBNOXIOUS PINK RUG RATS. Though Sailor Moon will NEVER admit it, she is inspired by your example. At the subconscious level, she realizes a guy who actually likes looking after an obnoxious kid like Chibi Usa is probably going to be good father material someday. And she can't help noticing you can cook, that your apartment is always immaculate. Hmmm. Marry him, and you may get out of babysitting, cooking and cleaning. Not a bad marital prospect at all. =================<<==============@ @===================>>============================== And what is this =====<<====@, you may ask? Why, it's a steel-tipped rose, Internet style! Now you can send steel-tipped roses to ALL your friends AND enemies. Wasn't that nice of me to create the graphic? You're welcome! /(^_^)\ If you are sending a *romantic* rose to Sailor Moon, or Tuxedo Mask, or other: [INSERT NAME HERE], you send THIS one @~~~>>~~~~ which has a curving non-steel stem, not suitable for battle, but certainly suitable for romance. P.S. When I first posted this to alt.fan.sailor-moon, the Usenet discussion group, one female fan felt I was making fun of her beloved Tuxie. Let me set the record straight, once and for all. NEVER! NEVER! I worship the ground Tuxedo Mask FALLS on! Do I make myself clear? Pandora-sama /(^_^)\===========<<======@ pwaldron@idirect.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Pandora Diane Waldron a.k.a. Sailor Spell-Check Toronto, CANADA /(^_^)\ "Invited by NO ONE, but in your face anyway, for Love & Justice & Correct Grammar & Spelling, I am the meticulous Sailor Spell-Check!!" ==============================<<=================@ "Wherefore, let's be cool!!" [From a BAD translation of "The Lovely Maiden's Policy"] "Tuxedo Mask--My Only Two-Dimensional Lust." @~~~>>~~~~ ~~~~<<~~~@ A proud member of M.I.T.H. [Mamoru is Totally Hot!] as Mamoru's Official Biographer. Author of "The Rose Garden" & "A Scandal In Crystal Tokyo" & "Tuxedo Mask The Token Male" & "So Tuxie, What's Your Excuse This Time?" SM:8+ F:Tx+++> Ne V:Es+++ De++> D:++