All That You Are by Idylwyld PG-13 Author’s notes- Hey! This is the first fic I’ve ever bothered posting (yay). It’s kind of weird, kind of sad, kind of... like the manga. Since I prefer the manga, I based the story on it; however, there are certain things I like in the anime, so I added them. I guess it’s a PG-13, but I’m not a great rater- I’ve been watching at least R stuff since I was a baby. Doing a story based solely on Meiou Setsuna, one of the most unknown senshi, presented a unique challenge. There is little to work with, yet there are far fewer rules. All in all, I found it an enjoyable experience. I hate sticking to one point of view... but I’ll try. Enjoy. _______________________________ All That You Are * * I look back today, through musty passages in my mind. Struggling to remember events long forgotten. And yet there is a memory, clear from cerebral dust, as vivid as when it first came to be... A memory I cannot forget. Can never forget... * * * * * * * * * * * Her reflection stared back at the woman, the dark, vibrant green hair, the dull, garnet red eyes. A strange contrast- alive and dead, side by side. She picked up a comb, carefully separating the hair just behind her ears, pulling it up into a perfectly placed coil at the back of her head. Practice makes perfect... Practice. That was Meiou Setsuna's life. Not necessarily practice, but routine. Living the same day, over and over. With a bitter burst of laughter, she bent down and splashed icy water against her face. Looking back up, she sighed. When had life become so monotone? I don't have time to think about this. [You need to] No I don't. [You must think about it] Fuck off. She strode into her massive bedroom, randomly grabbing a long black skirt and a fitted red shirt that buttoned up the front. Shutting the closet, she once again found herself facing her image in the mirrored door that confronted her. Her gaze drifted down her long, tan body. Her firm breasts, the toned thighs, the shapely calves, delicate feet... all in all, an extremely sensual body. She gathered her hair up into a ponytail, examining her strong jawline. Before she knew what she was doing, her image had splintered into a thousand. She let her cut hand drop to her side, a pool of dark, garnet red blood growing below it. Slowly the spiderweb cracks grew, and the slivers of glass crumbled to the floor. She stood there, looking numbly at the mess. The pulsating throb of her bloodied hand barely registered. There was no noise but the steady tick of the nightstand clock. Suddenly the phone rang, snapping her out of her trance. [Pick it up, pick it up] The machine will. In the other room she could hear her distorted voice begin to speak. "Puu? Puu, where are you?" Chibiusa's voice came. "Well, I'm going shopping with Hotaru-chan. But Mamoru can't take us. Please call me if you can. Bye, Puu." Shit, she cursed to herself, just what I need today. Lifting up the wounded hand, it finally occurred to her just what she'd done. She went over to the medicine cabinet, pulling out a roll of gauze. Quickly she cleaned her hand, wincing as the shards bit into the flesh. As soon as the water ran clear, she wound it with the white gauze. * "Hello?" It was Mamoru. Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. [Yeah, you'd like to do that, wouldn't you?] Leave me alone. "Mamoru-kun," she said out loud. "It's Setsuna. Is Small Lady there?" "Yes, she's here... Just a sec..." She heard a clunk as the phone was set down, and in the background she could hear him calling for Chibiusa. Mmm. Endymion. A slight sigh slipped out before she could stop it. As she waited, she traced the tip of the cordless’ antenna over her lips, her eyes closed as she pictured a forbidden thought. A secret in the past, a friend in the present, a master in the future. And a desire in all three. And yet Meiou Setsuna had never stood a chance. A pang of bitterness struck her heart as she thought of the very origin of his royal name. Endymion- a mortal loved the goddess of the Moon. From the very first moment... "Puu?" Setsuna nearly dropped the phone as she jerked out of dreamland at the sound of Small Lady's voice. "Hello, Small Lady. It's nice to hear your voice." A sweet laugh came over the line, then gave way to sincere concern. "Are you okay, Puu? You sound sad." "No, little one, I am fine, I am fine. Just thinking." Trying to get off the topic, Setsuna quickly changed course. "Now, what's this about shopping?" "Well, Hotaru-chan and I want to go shopping for Ami-san's birthday. It's next weekend. And Mamo-chan can't drive us. Neither can anyone else. Would you mind, please, Puu?" "Of course not, sweetie. Just give me a few minutes to get over there." * She breathed in the cool air as the black sports car cruised along the road. It was a Ferrari convertible- some of Haruka's tastes had rubbed off on her. Some of her habits, too. She was easily fifteen miles over the posted limit. Her eyes dropped to her bandaged hand perched a top the steering wheel. An accident, that was all... She had dropped a glass while doing the dishes... Luckily she arrived at Mamoru's apartment building just as someone else was pulling out. That was not a regular occurrence, not in this part of the city. Locking the doors, she slipped on her black shades and strode towards the main entrance. * As she rode up in the elevator, Setsuna leaned up against the mirrored wall. Why did she torture herself like this? [He does the same thing] No he doesn't. [He likes to tempt you] No, he's never shown more then friendship. [Then make him] He would never leave his Queen. Blocking that mental intruder, she turned her thoughts to Serenity- no, Usagi. These 20th century names were driving her mad. They were so informal. Usagi was probably the most informal of all. And though Setsuna still treated her like the royalty she was (it came to her naturally; apparently she was the only one), the younger girl irritated her. The constant crying, the hesitation to go into fights- Setsuna herself was reluctant to rush into battle, but were it not for the tremendous responsibilities... If she were not the Keeper of Time, Sailor Pluto would be the first one out there. This was a truth Setsuna must share with no one. The fact that she sometimes resented living so much of her life a solitary soldier... If anyone found out... Still, being there had certain incentives. Ever since she had fallen in love with Endymion, always knowing his love for Serenity... To face him on a day to day basis would be sheer Hell. [Like now?] Ironically enough, Endymion had never even known- or rather, remembered- of her existence till Crystal Tokyo was created and she was summoned for help. Ha. Neo-Queen Serenity needing help. And so she'll always be remembered as the great heroine of the Moon. And yet, who has the power? Setsuna could stop time in an instant, leave them all frozen in place, forever. And as long as it was left that way, Serenity could not destroy her. A slight hissing sound escaped her. Ever since accepting the position of Time Guardian, Setsuna's life had been in constant danger. If any other senshi messed up, she'd hate herself, and yet be loved by others. If Setsuna ever did... She'd never forgotten what Queen Serenity had said to her- "Pluto, you are the senshi of time. You are to guard the door of time. But there are three rules you must not break! The first one is... you must never move time! The second one is... you must never leave the door of time! And the third one is..." Queen Serenity had turned her head away and squeezed her eyes shut for the briefest second before continuing. "Pluto, the third one is... you must never stop time... if you ever break that rule..." Again her eyes had closed. "Pluto, at that time... you will self destruct." And so she did, that one, fateful day... by stopping the destruction of the world she herself was destroyed. That day, she had failed herself in one other way. She had nearly confessed to Endymion her feelings... luckily she just admitted how she admired him... how was she to know Neo-Queen would bring her back to life? Setsuna laughed to herself. Brought her back to life. What kind of life was this that she had awakened too? A life of routine and solitude, the same thing she had escaped. * When she reached Mamoru's floor, the doors slid open with a ping. She found herself face to face with Usagi. "Hi, Setsuna-san." Setsuna answered back with a frosty smile and a polite hello. "I am so late... Chibiusa couldn't wait for you to come." She smiled. "Well, see ya!" Setsuna walked quickly over to Mamoru's door and knocked softly. The door opened immediately, and she found herself facing an impatient looking Small Lady. "Hi, Puu! Come on! We still need to pick up Hotaru." The young girl grabbed Setsuna's hand and tugged her back towards the elevator. * As they drove towards Haruka and Michiru's apartment- one Setsuna herself had lived in till a few months ago- she looked at the pink-haired child beside her. She loved her, always had loved her. Whenever she was at her post- which was pretty much all the time- Small Lady always made time to visit her. The two of them would sit and talk, the young girl watching curiously as the older sprung into action when someone foolishly attempted to approach the door of time. Besides Haruka and Michiru, Small Lady was the only one who even began to suspect Setsuna's restlessness. But not even she could sense how deep Setsuna's unhappiness went. There was something foreign about the present, and the future; something that had never existed in the past. Before she agreed to become the Guardian of Time, Setsuna had lived on Pluto, a chill, dark planet. And yet it was beautiful. It was not cold, so much as crisp, not pitch so much as dusky. The stars shone more beautifully there then anywhere else in the solar system. The kingdom her family ruled was mysterious, knowledgeable, much like Setsuna herself. The palace was beautiful, as beautiful as any in the Silver Millennium, made of rich, dark colours, and lush plants that towered overhead. The courtyard of ice, the mystical fog- everything that made Setsuna the woman she was. Charon Castle. The only place in the universe where she truly felt at home. Yet she did not live there long. On Princess Serenity's birthday- exactly three years before the destruction of the Moon Kingdom- Setsuna was invited to the masquerade being thrown in the girl's honour. Before the party began, she was approached by Queen Serenity herself. The queen told her that apparently, she, Princess Setsuna from Pluto, of all people, carried the blood of Chronos. Father of Time. She asked her to sacrifice her freedom and status, and become the senshi who guards the door of time and space. Setsuna had been reluctant, and the Queen agreed to give her time to think it over. Later that day, she walked around the skating ice behind the palace, thinking about the Queen's proposition. Lost in her thoughts, she ran into a young man. She looked up at him and felt an unknown tightness seize her chest. He was so beautiful... He introduced himself as Prince Endymion, from Earth. When she didn't answer, he politely nodded and headed back towards the palace. Setsuna was left gazing at his retreating back, paralysed with wonder. That night, at the dance, Setsuna was staring into her glass of champagne, wishing herself to be anywhere but there. Everything was incredibly boring. Princess Serenity was easily six years her junior, as were her court, and their company held no appeal. Besides, (sadly enough) the young princesses were busy with their lovers (while I, Setsuna, have none), four generals from Earth. Anyways, the only ones she found interesting were the princesses from Neptune and Uranus, and they, too, were young compared to her. As the bubbles floated up to the top of the glass, she thought she saw images... Tiny fairies trapped in the bubbles. She looked closer, peering intently at the liquid. She saw nothing. "That's pretty sad, Setsuna," she said aloud. "When you have to invent little illusions to keep you company." She sighed darkly. Suddenly a black tuxedo appeared in front of her, and a red rose was dangled from above. She looked up, through her heavy purple bangs, and found herself looking into Endymion's blue eyes, nearly hidden behind a white mask. "Would you do me the honour of dancing with me?" She stood, examining him as she did so. She quickly decided he couldn't be much older then she, his face still held the mischievous look of youth. As she stepped to meet the hand he offered, she found that he was not as tall as he'd seemed that afternoon. Which was not to say he was short; Setsuna was just very tall. He tucked the rose behind her ear and asked her name. "Princess Setsuna." she said in a throaty voice. "I-I'm from Pluto. Charon Castle, actually" He had danced beautifully, and as they waltzed, they talked about virtually everything. When they finally sat down, she discovered they'd danced through half the night. She'd learned he was her age exactly, and she felt her heart flutter hopefully. Could it be, could she truly have found someone? She watched as the young man walked over towards the bar. Mmm. The way he carried himself... Her eyebrows furrowed together as she saw the young Serenity slip up beside him. What on... She narrowed her eyes to slits as the princess slipped her arms around his waist with a mischievous look on her face. The blood rushed from her face as she saw him smile softly, then lean down... No-ooo! This isn't happening... As the child- for that was all she was- leaned into his chest, Endymion caught her eye for the briefest second. And in his eyes she found the real truth. He'd known all along. As he looked back down to the young princess, Setsuna felt her eyes cloud over. She struggled to her feet, lurching towards the exit. Nobody noticed, the crowd was engaged in Queen Serenity's speech about something concerning relations between Earth and the Silver Millennium. She ran through the gardens gasping for breath, tripping over stones and tearing her dress. She floundered into the fountain, feeling the chill water caress her skin. Sinking down, floating on her stomach, slowly drifting towards the bottom. Opening her eyes, she looked through the clear blue water, imagining herself staying there forever, letting the water take away all her pain. She closed her eyes, going deeper and deeper... Suddenly she heard laughter, distorted through the water. She jerked to the surface, dragging herself out of the fountain. Collapsing behind a rose bush, she threw up. The next day she told Queen Serenity she would accept the duties of Time. * Later, she would discover that it was not a figment of her imagination, those figures incased in the bubbles. It was a prediction of a day to come. The day that she looked helplessly on as her only friends were beaten in the final battle of the Silver Millennium, the day Beryl, acting under Metallia, attacked. The day Endymion died for the first time. The day Princess Serenity took her life at his side, while Setsuna only watched. The day the three talismans united, awakening the soldier of destruction. The day her Queen sacrificed herself and sent the dead and the undead to Earth in tiny crystal bubbles. The day Setsuna was left alone. * Small Lady led the woman down the hallway towards Hotaru's door. When it opened, the pink-haired girl bounced past the tall blonde who'd opened it and down towards a door at the end of a short corridor. Setsuna smiled at Haruka and rolled her eyes. Haruka laughed and led her into the kitchen. "Want some tea?" "Sure. Cups still in the same place?" Setsuna asked, heading towards a cupboard in the corner. "Yep. Michiru didn't want to move anything. Neither did Hotaru." She glanced up at her from her leaning position. Plugging in the kettle, she continued. "She misses you, you know. We barely see you now that you've moved." "I've been gone for awhile, you know- in the gate most of the time. And I spent a few days straightening some stuff out in Crystal Tokyo." "Your life confuses me, Setsuna. And I've known you forever. I still don't understand how it is that there are three of the rest of us- past, present, future- and yet only one of you..." Setsuna slumped her head against the countertop. "Neither do I, sometimes." Haruka studied her worriedly. "Seriously, are you okay?" The green-haired woman straightened up and rubbed her hands over her eyes. "Yes... I'm fine. I've just been thinking about some stuff, dredging up some old memories." Haruka was about to say something when the door opened again. "Haruka? I saw Setsuna's car in front..." Setsuna heard a rattle of keys being dropped on the countertop. "Aaah! Setsuna! I haven't seen you in so long!" Michiru rushed towards her, enveloping her in a warm hug. "How are you?" "I'm- I'm okay." She looked into Michiru's blue eyes, telling her without words that she could handle what ever it was that was troubling her. The three of them could keep virtually no secrets from each other. They had known each other ever since that long ago night on the Moon. Instinctively they trusted each other, allowing each other to see what no one else could. In the beginning, Setsuna had been the only one to know about the personal relationship between Haruka and Michiru. But she could not tell even them about her feelings for Endymion, or her resentment towards her duties, although she knew they had always suspected something but were smart enough not to ask. "Want to stay for dinner?" Michiru asked finally, instead of the questions Setsuna knew she was dying to ask. "Sure." Her voice cracked as she spoke, causing her to clear her throat hastily. "What's on?" "Well, uh..." Michiru glanced innocently around. "Take out?" * Setsuna lay in bed, the black sheets twisted between her limbs. She gazed out the window, looking at the countless buildings that blocked the sky. A strong throbbing echoed through her head, courtesy of the headache she had been suffering from for the past week. She could feel the fever tint her cheek, and blur her vision. They were like glass, her eyes, like glass in rain. They stung, forcing her to shut them. She didn't want to... No... No... [Give in] No... please... no... don't make me... It wasn't so much a dream she entered as a feeling, an empty feeling that shrouded the eyes in darkness. It tinted the world, yet let her see things with an all new clarity. The feeling covered her body, wrapping it in an isolated fog. Her mind felt numb and yet it throbbed with pain. She forced her eyes open, letting the light of day penetrate her thick lashes. As her pupils struggled to focus, she blinked sluggishly. Pulling herself out of bed, Setsuna stumbled towards the closet, grabbing anything she could grip. She pulled on uncomplimenting pink sweater and red pants, not bothering to look in a mirror. Her hair was a mess, matted and tangled. Lifting a comb she tugged it through, leaving it loose and crackling with electricity. When she'd gotten to the kitchen and poured water for her usual green tea, she sank down into the chair nearest the counter. Nothing made sense this morning. Nothing. * She drove Small Lady to school- just like her mother she could never get to school on time so Setsuna tended to drive her when she was in town. Usually she went along though, as she worked there as well. It was a part time job, as was her more serious work at the lab, so she would have time to fulfil her duties as the Guardian of Time. Although Diana was very good about filling in for her, the cat could not be expected to spend all her time covering for Setsuna. But she just wasn't in the mood for taking care of children. Instead she went to downtown Ginza. Her favourite shopping spot. * She wandered through her favourite stores, randomly trying on whatever called to her. At one particular store she found a black dress that she found appealing. It was short and fitted, sleeveless too. As she tried it on the sales clerks looked at each other. It wasn't often they saw young women alone in stores like this. There was something haunting about the girl's glassy red eyes. When the green haired woman stepped out of the dressing room, several of the women rushed forth. "You look marvellous!" "What a match!" "What a figure!" She simply looked at them. Vaguely she answered, "Yes... I think I'll buy it." As she changed back into the clashing outfit she'd worn into the store, she stopped and glanced in the mirror. * When she stepped out of the store a few minutes later, the clothes were in the bag. On her body was the slinky black dress, with new stilettos to match. She strode through the mall, oblivious to the jealous glares of women, feeling only the appreciative stares of the men. She calmly strutted into a nearby jewellery store, taking in the stores inventory in one sweeping glance. Ahhh, there. In a corner a satin smooth emerald hung on a short gold chain. Fine gold was coated across its surface, in a pattern resembling the Earth's seven continents. "That." She tapped impatiently on the glass case above it, her nail making a sharp clicking sound. She looked up at the jeweller. "I want that." She allowed the man to place it around her neck before she hastily tossed her VISA at him. As the man fumbled with the till, she continued to click her nails against the glass. She gazed at the short, even nails. She couldn't stand long nails, had never been able to. Instead she kept them filed and polished with a clear coat. Finally the man was done, and she quickly shoved the wallet back in her purse. As she did so, she noticed the tip of her henshin wand glitter faintly. She pushed it aside. * With a loud squeal the Ferrari shot out of the underground parking lot. As pedestrians looked around curiously, Setsuna pushed her black RayBans up on her nose. She looked at the darkening sky. The day was nearly done, yet she hadn't really lived. She was in the mood for something. Something naughty. Something sinful. And she knew exactly where to get it. * The neon lights lit up the mirrored bar, screaming various alcoholic slogans. Their gleam was blurred by the smoky atmosphere, producing an effect not unlike strands of Christmas lights. A rich jazz tune was nearly drowned out by assorted noises- laughter, talking, the clicks of bottles hitting each other, and the muted knock of glasses being set down. She was there, up against the wooden bar, her breasts pressed against the golden trim. She sat in a tall leather bar chair, pushed slightly back as she leaned forward. The sherry swirled around the glass as she idly rotated it in a gentle circle. The glass interior was coated with the dark, creamy liquid. This was not your everyday bar, a place for beer and kareoke. No, it was the lounge in the lobby of her favourite hotel in Tokyo. The Century Plaza was expensive, yes, but she could afford it. She never told people what she did here, and that wasn't because she was afraid they'd question her as to why she would spend a night in a hotel when she owned a very nice apartment. It wasn't even because she feared they'd question her sanity. Oh no, it was because she knew they could never understand what she did here, on those secretive nights... The gentle scrape of the stool next to her being pulled back caused her to glance upwards. An average looking man looked back at her, a suggestive smile on his face. Without asking permission, he sat down and took her glass. "Another sherry. Make it two." "Whatever you say." The middle aged bartender took the glass casually and sauntered back to the rack of bottles. A white cloth was draped over his shoulder, and he was dressed nicely; not formally, but very sharply. His whole manner exuded disinterest he had seen all sorts and he knew never to question. The other man cleared his throat. She examined him out of the corner of her eye. He was pleasant looking enough, she thought, with thick black hair tousled just enough, and a strong jawline. His fairly muscular frame was clad in expensive looking black jeans and a crisp white dress shirt. It was open slightly at the top, only a button or two undone. She glanced back up at his face. He had a chiselled nose and apparently firm lips. She couldn't see his eyes, not from the angle she was looking from. The bartender set down the two glasses with a practised grace, the bottoms only releasing the tiniest clink as they touched the counter. She reached for her glass and took a fast, quick drink. Nothing extreme, just a confident swallow. As she placed it back down she turned her head slightly. The man looked back at her. Ahh, hazel. So that was what colour they were. "So. You here with anyone?" "Not unless someone's appeared in the past few seconds." "I'll take that as a no. Isn't this amazing. I don't seem to be taken either." Ha. That was a laugh. Unless her instincts had completely failed, this man was probably married with three kids. She'd seen enough of them to know that the little woman was probably sitting at home, naively believing him when he said he was working late. "Are you going to talk to me? After all, I did buy you that drink. The least you could do is tell me your name." "Dorei Chie" "Dorei Chie? You're joking, right?" "Maybe." "Well, slave, care to join me for a little stroll?" In one motion she drained the glass. Wordlessly she stood and picked up her purse. She took his hand and lead him through the crowd. She had played this game enough times to know the exact routine. Silently, she led him to the elevator, and pressed the button of her floor. * Afterwards, she stood on the concrete balcony, leaning against the cast-iron rail. As she looked out at the bustling night, she inhaled deeply of the cigarette she held between her fingers. An overused cliché, smoking after sex. Unlike so many others, the nicotine had never forced an addiction; she could light up whenever she wanted and afterwards never crave another. For her, cigarettes were like a snack of sorts; a party favour. Addiction was insanity... Setsuna laughed at the thought. She was most definatly insane. But it had nothing to do with the cigarette she held. She forcefully snuffed it out, grinding the tip into the hard metal. Flicking it over the side, she walked back into the room. She looked with distaste at the man sprawled across the bed as she picked up her scattered clothing. * The elevator doors opened with a ping when she reached the lobby, and she strode quickly over to the main desk, waking the sleeping man who was on duty. He looked at her groggily, and it wasn't till she slipped several bills over the counter that he really seemed to wake up. "There's a man... up in room 1254. Make sure he gets out quietly." "Anything you say," he said slyly, winking as he placed the money in his pocket. "Anything you say." She hurried down into the dark parking lot, her high heels clicking loudly against the pavement. She saw the black car illuminated under an overhead light. Unlocking the door, she slid behind the wheel. The fabric seat was cold and stiff, and she shivered against it. Turning the key in the ignition, the lights of the console came to life. Quickly she turned on the heat, smelling the dusty scent as it first came out of the vents. Expertly she backed out of the stall, carefully avoiding the expensive looking BMW next to her. She surged up the ramp and swung out onto the street. She drove in silence, the radio dead. As she pulled onto the freeway, she heard a soft click as the engine shifted gears. It was all so still. Looking steadily at the road in front of her, she sped through the night. The glare of lights reflected off the shiny black hood, each band of light quickly making way for the next. She ignored it, paying attention only to the exhilarating power she possessed. All she wanted to do was drive. And so she drove. And drove. * When she finally stopped, it was at the edge of a park, in the centre of Juuban. The grass was lit up eerily by the enormous lights of the tennis courts across the street. The white light cast shadows where they shouldn't be, causing everything to take on a whole new appearance. Any passer-by would have looked at the woman who walked across the lawn, slipping in amongst the shadows. They would have seen her long, dark hair -for they couldn't tell it was green, not in the shadows- swinging back and forth slightly, like a curtain in the breeze. They would have noticed the way she sunk back the tiniest bit, as her high heels dug into the soft ground. And they would have thought to themselves, Sad. What's a woman doing walking in the dark, alone, at night? Then they would have come to the conclusion that she was a hooker, though a rather well dressed one, a call girl perhaps. They would shake their head sorrowfully, a frown upon their face. And they would drive away. What they wouldn't have seen was the blank, hollow look in the girl's eyes, or the tell tale streaks down her face that could only be caused by tears. They wouldn't have seen how she stumbled ever so slightly, not knowing where she was going. They wouldn't have seen that she was a real, living person. Setsuna herself was aware of none of these things, as she walked. She was aware only of the numbness inside her head, and the harsh sound of her own breathing. * The days continued like this, each one a blur of sex, alcohol, and pain. Every night she'd return to the bar, pick up some faceless man, then disappear. Always she'd return to the park, to wallow in her pain, and to flee the real world. She never went to work, she never saw her friends, she never did anything a normal, sane person would do. Eating became a thing of the past; an out-of date trend to be done away with, and slowly her body lost some of it's healthy radiance. Her clothes no longer fit her right, except for the black dress, which was a stretchy fabric, so that didn't really count. But most importantly, she never went into the time gate. Neo-Queen Serenity had tried to contact her, but she didn't respond. Finally Michiru called. "You fool." Setsuna sighed and rested her head against her pillow. "Not now, Michiru. I don't need this right now." "Oh? What do you need? To get fired? I know you haven't been going to work, Setsuna. And you haven't been guarding the time gate." "Leave me alone." "Serenity contacted me. Why are you neglecting your duties?" "I said LEAVE ME ALONE." "Fine." Her voice was hard, even over the phone. "But you realize you're destroying all your dreams, don't you? This isn't a fairytale, Setsuna. You can't just make it all better." "You think I don't know that?" Suddenly she was angry. "You have no idea what it's like to be me! What it's like to know everything, but never understand my own life. You just go home everyday, screw Haruka, and know that somehow, everything will turn out okay-" She was interrupted by a sharp click. "Michiru? Michiru?" She slammed down the phone. [Good going] LEAVE ME ALONE! She jerked herself out of bed and threw on the now familiar dress. She tore through her hair, leaving it loose and shiny. Sitting in front of her make-up mirror, she applied a heavy liner. Her racoon eyes stared back at her in her now pale face. Slamming her way through the apartment, she grabbed her purse and left. * It's early, the bartender thought to himself. Even for a girl like her. He finished polishing the glass and brought out the bottle of sherry. As it poured silently into the glass, he glanced over at the woman. He'd seen her here before, the past couple weeks, but he only worked every third day so he couldn't say how often she came for sure. He sat the drink down in front of her, and watched with pity as she mechanically picked it up. For that was all she was now- a robot, programmed only to poison and abuse itself. He leaned back against the counter, and took in her bony limbs, her shadowed skin. The tanned surface masked a white, pallid base, causing the effect of too dark foundation. Her sullen, stupid eyes looked right through him, seeing nothing. And yet he knew that any moment some sleaze would come in and pick her up. Disgust tainted his mouth. What kind of man would chose to exploit an already stripped woman? He, for one, saw no appeal in such a woman, although he knew that once she must have been stunningly beautiful. Now she was trash, in his eyes, in the eyes of any decent man such as he. Used, wasted, poisoned. Within minutes a man came up to her, as he'd known would happen. He saw her nod and lead him out the door. As he'd known would happen. * "Don't leave." Setsuna was startled into looking up as she shrugged on her dress. "Wha-? "I said don't leave. I want to get to know you, slave." "No" she whispered. Without answering, he got up and dressed. And without a word she followed him out the door. * She found herself in the passenger's seat of a new-model coupe, a single tear slipping down her cheek. But what would have been the point in protesting?- she knew he didn't just want to drive her home. She could she it in his eyes, blurred though they were. "Here." She whispered hoarsely as they neared Juuban Park. "Drop me off here." He pulled into a empty parking lot and shut off the engine. The car was thrown into darkness, and she had sense enough to grow nervous. She heard a soft shuffle as he leaned towards her, his warm breath wafting towards her nose. It reeked of alcohol, and her stomach turned as he shoved his mouth forcefully upon hers. She writhed and protested, but his hands kept coming. She felt them everywhere; her thigh, her breasts, her crotch. Her eyes whirled behind her lids, the blackness radiating with impossible brightness. He pressed himself against her, grinding his groin against her pelvis. She broke her mouth free and screamed a desperate howl, only to have his palm smacked across her face, leaving her dizzy with pain. He pulled her down, ignoring her nails as they dug into his skin. If only she wasn't so fussy about her nails... He slapped her again as she bit into him, drawing blood. Still she found her face pressed up against the crotch of his jeans, she twisted so her cheek was the only part touching. As he yanked down his pants, she felt the bile rise up in her throat. She vomited, and still he pushed. In one final desperate attempt, she pressed her thumbs hard into his eyes and, searching frantically, found the door hatch. She stumbled out into the parking lot, staggering hysterically towards the road. She wept, her black liner pouring down her cheeks. Whimpering and retching, she lurched out onto the street. And found herself illuminated by the brilliant headlights of an oncoming car. * When she opened her eyes, she saw nothing but a stark, waterstained wall. Looking around, she discovered that it was actually a ceiling, and that she was surrounded by beeping machines of a thousand types. A... hospital? I'm still... alive? The events of last night (was it last night? Or last week? Last month?) came rushing back. She struggled into a sitting position. No, no... why didn't they leave her? She clawed at the IV inserted in her hand, yanking it out. Unhooking the other attachments, Setsuna tumbled to the floor. She bit her lip to keep from crying out as her bandaged- and obviously broken- ribs shrieked in agony. Blocking the pain, she dragged herself back towards the bed. Grasping the steel frame, she pulled herself the her feet. Resting for a few seconds, she tried to will away the spinning that had overtaken her head. * Setsuna clung to the door frame, looking up and down the deserted hallway. The only person she could see was an orderly coming out of a room down the corridor. She carefully staggered down the hall, supporting herself with the rail. [What are you doing?] Escaping. [You really think you can get away?] You know I can. [Somethings you can't escape] There's one thing that will always let you. [You thought that before] Suddenly she heard a door down the hall open. "Hey! What are you doing!" The nurse's rubber shoes thumped down the hallway. Quickly she ducked into the empty room next to her. She slamed the door shut and staggered to the window. Straining every muscle, she tried vainly to lift a nearby stool to throw at the window. She had no strength. Hysterically she jerked her head as the nurse's voice sounded at the door. [Told you you'd never make it] I will! [Oh?] Shaking her head, she closed her eyes. Clenching her hands, she used what little strength she had... (come on, just a little bit closer... ) Finally she opened her eyes and grasped the henshin wand that floated in front of her. The door began to open... "Pluto Crystal Power, Make-up!" The nurse was thrown back as Setsuna was enveloped in pure energy. As soon as it was over, she slammed the end of her staff through the window. And dove through. * As she fell, everything seemed so slow. She looked down at the people who stared up at her with a morbid fascination. She could see their faces so clearly... The ground came closer. Whispering something inaudibly, she began to close her eyes. Suddenly energy surged through the air. Snapping her eyes open, Setsuna watched as a black portal open up beneath her. No! Just let me die... [I told you you'd never make it] Why is this happening to me? [Even death is not an option] As she fell into the hole, the people resumed their activities, the strange event they'd just seen erased from their minds. * Something was whispering in her ear, forcing her into consciousness. As she opened her eyes, the voice disappeared, leaving her lying in silence. She looked through the black mists to the whirling shadows beyond. The time passage? But... why? [You fool] Answer me! [I told you you'd never escape] "ANSWER ME!!!" she screamed out loud. "ANSWER ME!!!" "Learn to control yourself, Setsuna." The voice spoke from behind a stone pillar. A familiar voice... She gasped and sprung up to her feet. Drawing back, her eyes opened with panic. "Show yourself!" The purple clad figure stepped into view. Raising his eyes to meet hers, he pulled off his mask. "Why am I here? Why didn't you let me die?" she asked loudly. When there was no answer, she began to shout. "WHY AM I HERE?" "Why, Sailor Pluto, this is your post." "Not anymore." He stepped foreword and touched her chin with his cane, forcing her to raise it. As she glared defiantly at him, he made a light sighing noise. "Setsuna. You've really let yourself go" He glanced down her lean body, casually, arrogantly. "It's a shame, really." "Leave me alone." "You want me to leave you alone, dear Setsuna? Is that what you really want?" His tone was low; suggestive. She remained silent. "I didn't think so." He turned away and walked over to the edge of the platform. Gazing out at the stream of time, he seemed to think about something. "Do you remember, Setsuna, the time you died? The time you lay there, slowly fading from this world. All because you wanted to be the hero for a day." "Never say that again!" She spoke harshly, hating this unknown side of the man she loved so well. "I did it to protect Small Lady. And the Queen. And the world." "Why? You would cease to exist either way." "Yet the people I love could live!" "Love? What do you know of love?" "I love that child! And my fellow senshi!" Her voice was becoming agitated. "My daughter? What makes you love her so? She has a mother." "She's the only child I'll ever have, dammit!" She screamed in frustration. "Damn her for being a symbol of what I'll never have!" He paused. "And so you bestow your love upon a child, because you cannot find love from an already taken man?" "What would you know of being alone?" "What would a child?" "She's the only one who understands me!" "For now." "You think I don't know that? You think I haven't noticed the way she talks about Hellos? Soon she will leave me, just as the others did. But for now, she is mine!" Her voice was shaking with anger. "Others?" "All of you! You all have love! Haruka and Michiru, you and Serenity! Even Luna and Artimis! Two cats can find love and yet I cannot!" "The inner senshi are alone." "Except for their memories! They had love once! I cannot even say that!" She felt around her neck. Grasping the necklace, she yanked the globe off its fine gold chain. It dangled from her clenched fist as she held it up. "Your planet! How pathetic- to wear a chain I myself bought just so I could feel close to you!" It was thrown to the floor as she held up her rod. Bringing the point down, the charm smashed into dust. "There! There! That is all my love! Wasted, ruined." She spun wildly around. "There is nothing! Nothing!" "Setsuna!" Endymion looked at her with sincere fear. She heard not his voice, for as she turned, something snapped... Deep within her mind... * The birds flew around her, white, purest white, doves. The symbol of peace... Yet as they flew towards her, they changed... A black pigment seeped along the spine of their feathers, dying the birds pitch black. Setsuna watched as they hurtled towards her, seeing without understanding as their sharp beaks dug as her skin. "No! No!" She screamed, holding her arms in front of her face. She looked with a detached sense of terror at the pool of blood dripping down. Endymion stood, frightened by her strange actions. Why was she screaming? Setsuna blinked rapidly as she saw something appear in the puddle before her. A face... red, liquid- a strangely beautiful face... "Nnnoooooo" The whine came from her quivering lips as she desperately closed her eyes. Other faces appeared, slowly, pulling themselves out of the blood, becoming three dimensional. "NononononononononoNO!" She lunged upwards, thrashing her arms wildly. The birds screamed angrily, and black feathers fell down and were sucked into the garnet puddle. She swung around in ever direction, a wild, insane looked glowing in her eyes. Endymion stared in shock at the demonic sight before him. Detachedly he noticed a strange noise coming from somewhere... The sound grew, turning into a high wail that came from Setsuna's mouth. She lifted her rod high above her head, then, with a fierce thrust, plunged it through her heart. As her hands dropped, the rod slipped out and fell to the floor. "Vivat Rex." she said hollowly, a shocked look on her face. He rushed towards her as she collapsed to her knees. Everything seemed to be in slow motion as he watched the first visible blood she had shed all night rush from her chest. As it spread across the tiles, she looked up at him. He fell down, ignoring the maroon stain that soaked his clothes. Desperately he pulled her up, sobbing into her long green hair. "I'm sorry... I'm sorry... Setsuna-chan, I'm sorry..." But her arms still dropped back to the floor, and her face still grew paler with every passing instant. She locked her eyes with his and mouthed something. "What?" She mouthed again. He bent down and tilted his ear towards her. "Cowards die many times before their deaths," she said in an airy whisper. "The valiant never taste of death but once." She coughed, and her eyes closed. Gasping for oxygen she managed to open them. "The taste of death has tainted my mouth for centuries. I am no more a hero than an angel... and yet, it welcomes me... " His voice trembled as he turned to look at her. "Setsuna... what... " "Tell them... tell them I died valiantly, the way a senshi should. Do not let my Queen know... " Her eyebrows lifted upwards, out of the frown they had held before. The creases faded... as did her eyes... "Let this... be our secret... " * * * * * * * * * * * Her lips stayed slightly parted, a testament to the last speech she would ever make. The fingers of her hands uncurled, laying open. I lifted my hand and stroked my fingertips across her face, closing her eyelids for the last time. I sat there, kneeling in her blood, oblivious to the time that passed. The blood cooled, thickened, drying in the fabric of my clothes. As I stood, it crumbled, flaking off in tiny particles. Later, I would tell them she died fighting a youma, a demon... And she did, in a way. She died fighting a monster. She died fighting me. Serenity never learned of our encounter, nor did she suspect of the guilty conscience that followed me like a hideous devil stalking my every move. The others dealt with the pain in their own ways. Only the outers looked at me, with knowing eyes, eyes which possessed a secret even I did not know. The way Hotaru stared, coldly, emptily; the way Haruka would tighten her arm around Michiru and they would slowly turn away. Oh. Let me not forget the one other. The most potent rejection of all... How could I forget? I see the change in the way she looks at me, the way she kisses me goodnight. No longer do her eyes light up at my arrival, no more does her now-teenage body rush forth to greet me. I have lost the title of 'Daddy', and am simply 'King Endymion'. A royal title to my own daughter. Setsuna has placed a curse on me as sure as a palm burned upon my skin. And yet, it is ironic to note that she forgave me. It was her life I ruined- I can admit that now- and yet, she was the only one who saw my true self and still loved me. Serenity has never- and will never- see me in that light. She could never deal with it. Setsuna was strong. And I killed her. _________________________ End Notes: Yes, it was weird. I’m sorry if I offended any big Mamoru fans, but I hate the guy. And as for the stuff about Chibiusa- well, see previous sentance. The name, ‘All That You Are’ (property of Econoline Crush), is a result of my habit of naming all my stories after songs that remind me of them. Several Madonna songs (‘Sanctuary’, ‘Love Tried To Welcome Me’, and ‘Inside Of Me’, for example) may have been better choices, but none seemed to... fit. Think what you may. Now for a couple thank you’s and words of explanation: Serenity’s speech can be found at Cyprine’s ‘Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon Anime & Manga’ page. (I owe you my life, love you to bits, and fall on my knees to thank you.) Dorei Chie- ‘slave to wisdom’ or ‘wisdom’s slave’. ‘Vivat Rex’- motto of the MacDiarmid clan: ‘may the king live’ Et tu, Brute? Setsuna’s words about death are really Caesar’s... William Shakespeare’s, actually. Questions or comments? wiegers@direct.ca- you know what to do. -Idylwyld _________________________ @--}-}--- ‘One who watches love, is watched by love.’ -Aino Minako