Properties of Coolness

This is the (unfortunate?) result of a really boring band class a couple years ago, where ziyal47 and I got to talking about all sorts of nutty stuff and drawing freaky diagrams. This is completely insane. This may make you dizzy and confused. This is complete f^@$ed up. You've been warned.

The figures are coming soon.

Properties of Coolness

I. Two uncool/very uncool people cannot be in the same area without two cool/very cool people present, and vice versa. Four neutral or four shifters present will also balance it out.

II. More than two very uncool or very cool people in the same vicinity without a force to balance them out can cause side effects in those of lesser cool and uncool status, thus shifting the balance of coolness and possibly causing explosion, implosion, black holes, etc. to form. Can also cause their cool or uncoolness to make the people around them even more cool or uncool. Also, if an uncontrolled aura is present, similar conditions may form. See Fig. 6

III. If a person attains absolute coolness or absolute uncoolness, they will promptly explode. This status cannot be reached without the explosion of the individual with this status. Ex. Kes, upon gaining
absolute coolness, promptly disappeared in a flash of light and explosion of coolness.

IV. All people must control the aura of coolness around them, or the auras of the people around them will be changed in accord. The aura can only be allowed to become an uncontrolled aura if the person is willing to sacrifice themselves in the process. Also, the aura can be used at the moment of death to pass on the person’s cool/uncoolness to another person. Some of the cool/uncoolness may be released to influence another’s aura, but if too much is lost, the person will die. Ex. Spock could use his aura to make Scotty cooler, but only to a certain extent. Also, Kosh could make Sheridan seem cool when they talk, but could never make him cooler since Sheridan is uncool.

V. If the aura of coolness is used carefully, a cool person can harm an uncool person by zapping away some of their uncoolness and vice versa. This leads them towards the path of the opposite, and is sometimes used as a harmful tool. Ex. Janeway making Seven of Nine human, but this was counteracted by Kes passing her coolness on to Seven of Nine. Also, when the second Kosh started blasting Sheridan with cool energy to harm him.

VI. A neutral person is balanced perfectly between cool and uncoolness, but this can be changed by uncool and cool people influencing them and bringing towards cool or uncool status. There must be a certain percentage of neutral people or the balance of coolness will be disrupted. Ex. Red shirts or “little people”, maintenance workers, except for Mack and Bo.

VII. An uncool person that kills another uncool person becomes cool. A cool person that kills another cool person becomes uncool. A cool person that kills an uncool person becomes cooler. An uncool person that kills a cool person becomes uncooler. A neutral person that kills an uncool person becomes cool. A neutral person that kills a cool person becomes uncool.

VIII. When a cool person is about to die, they may choose to let their auras become completely uncontrolled and when they explode, pass their energy on to another cool person so that they may become cooler. An uncool person should never choose to do this, or a black hole would form, sucking in all the coolness in the vicinity. Ex. If Janeway released her aura on the ship, all the coolness would be drawn in and leave only neutral and uncool people behind.

IX. In some cases, a very cool person or even just a cool person will have a glow coming from their head (if bald), or their hair will appear to glow. This is probably a reflection of their aura. Ex. Picard and Sisko, Garibaldi, Kosh when he opens his encounter suit to show Delenn what he looks like.

Glossary of Terms

absolute coolness- ab`soh`lute cuul`ness n. the status of being completely cool, with no negative qualities; the opposite of absolute uncoolness. see III for details.

absolute uncoolness- ab`soh`lute un`cuul`ness n. the status of being completely uncool, with no positive qualities; the opposite of absolute coolness. see III for details.

aura of coolness- or`uh of cuul`ness n. the aura around a person containing the essense of their cool-, shifting-, or uncoolness, or neutrality. This aura must be kept in check or side effects to surrounding auras will result.

balance of coolness- bah`lenss of cuul`ness n. the universal balance between cool, uncool, neutral, and shifting.

shifting- shift`ing v. the action of switching between cool and uncool. n. commonly used term for undetermined coolness; one who shifts is a shifter

uncontrolled aura- uhn`cun`trolled uhr`uh n. an aura of coolness that is not kept in check.

undetermined coolness- uhn`dih`ter`mened cuul`ness n. the status of varying between being cool and uncool, usually influenced by the coolness/ uncoolness of the people around them, appearing the opposite of what the people around them are. Ex. Jadzia Dax

essence of (un)coolness- eh’suns of (un)cuul’ness n. The focus of one’s (un)coolness, put into an energy form for use in a bomb against members of the opposite standing. This is a very lethal device.

Observations of Coolness


1) Voyager was thrown into the Delta Quadrant because the levels of coolness were
extremely unbalanced and thereby dangerous to the Alpha, Beta, and Gamma Quadrant inhabitants. There was an imbalance of coolness—too many neutral and uncool people on the ship, and they needed to be sent away so that the others would be protected. When the Caretaker took them to the Delta Quadrant, they were taken far enough so that they would be able to build up the coolness they needed so that by the time they reached home, they would have achieved the balance necessary for them to live in the Alpha, Beta, and Gamma Quadrants safely. Kes apparently realized that they wouldn’t need as much time as the Caretaker originally estimated and propelled them ten years closer when she exploded with coolness, also making Seven of Nine even cooler so that the balance could start to be achieved sooner.

2) Look carefully at scenes in DS9—there is always a balance of coolness within the characters. Sometimes you cannot see just who is there to balance it out, but generally you will see that all is well and balanced.

3) Humans are generally uncool, with only select humans ever achieving coolness. Generally, humans only make it to neutral status, if at all. Approximately one in a thousand humans are cool, less than one per five million are very cool. In races such as Cardassians, Vulcans, Bajorans, Klingons, Vorta, and Romulans, generally everyone is cool, with only a few rare occurrences of neutrality or uncoolness. There are no very uncool people known among these races. Races such as Kazon, Ocampa, Vidians, and Betazoids are virtually uncool. There is about one person per race that reaches coolness. Races such as the Q Continuum and the Borg have no uncool people whatsoever, their peoples seeming to never even drop as low as neutral status.

4) Weyoun is one of those few wonderful individuals that is just the tiniest fraction away from reaching absolute coolness. Ziyal is another, as well as Garak, Dukat, Sisko, Morn, Damar, Spock, The Doctor, Sarek, Data, Guinan, Spot, Ro Laren, Q, Chekov, Kahn, McCoy, Amanda (Spock’s mom), Tasha, Sela, Odo, Sisko’s dad, Lursa and B’Etor Duras. Some very cool people are Worf, B’Elanna, Picard, Geordi, Uhura, Scotty, Brunt, and Ezri. There are more, but it would be difficult to list them all.

5) Jake and O’Brien must never be allowed in contact with people or they will start making them less cool. These idiots are so uncool that they can barely control their own auras. Poor Nog is an example of this. They are the tiniest fraction away from absolute uncoolness, and so are Janeway, Kirk, Wesley and Beverly Crusher, and Riker.

6) Sisko’s da man. YOU DA MAN, SISKO!!!


1) Everyone that isn’t Human or perhaps Drazi is cool or very cool. Simple as that.

2) There are some cool and very cool Humans. This includes every member of PsiCorps as well as people that think Sheridan is a jerk. Most humans are so lowly that neutral would be a tremendous achievement for them.

3) Shadows and Vorlons are two supremely cool races, the tiniest fraction away from being absolutely cool. They are so cool that the galaxy could not maintain the balance of coolness with them present, and so they had to leave (sob!). This is what happened to all the other First Ones as well.

4) Why did Z’Ha’Dum explode? Sheridan, in his uncoolness, polluted the planet so badly when he let off that bomb (which contained his essence of uncoolness) that even the residual coolness left behind wasn’t enough to keep it from exploding.

5) The Centauri’s world was devastated because they were simply becoming too cool.

6) Kosh, Garibaldi, G’Kar, Lyta, Ivanova, Lennier, Londo, Vir, Marcus, Bester, Dukat, Neroon, etc. are the tiniest fraction away from absolute coolness. Sheridan is the tiniest fraction away from absolute uncoolness. Delenn and Franklin are very cool.

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